Saturday, December 8, 2007
The Best Fart Ever
Take a look at the best fart ever and you'll find a woman who had a lot riding on one fart. In fact, I can't remember a fart as important as this woman's fart.
The best fart ever is part of the Ever Project - a Seth Godin project extension of Squidoo.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Fart Story - Post C Section
They said to walk, so I paced the halls, pushing the baby…nothing. I tried the suppository…nothing. I had to act and fast. Otherwise, we would not be going home, as promised, on day 4.
That night, as my daughter slept soundly, it was around 3 AM. I was a desperate woman, hormones all screwed up, severe pain on the incision due to the gas and fluid pressing on my lower abdomen. I thought to myself. There is only one way I am going to get a fart out. The halls were quiet. The room was dark. I waited until the nurse made her rounds, and decided there was very little chance of someone coming in unannounced. I raised the hospital bed as high as it would go. I leaned over it and pressed my aching belly into the mattress with as much force as I could stand. I lay there for some time. I prayed. I felt like it was working, but I needed a little something extra. I pulled down the disposable underwear and spread those cheeks. Seriously – I spread them really wide.
The combination of the pressure on the bowels, the open airway, the position of “butt in the air”, and patience was perfect. Ahhhh, sweet relief. I farted the most satisfying, long fart I have ever had the pleasure of releasing. Its chorus was music to my ears. Then I got to thinking about what someone would see if they walked in on me. Here I am, baby sleeping on the bed, bed raised all the way up, me bent over it, pants pulled down, cheeks spread wide. I laughed for about 30 minutes and it just about killed me!
When I told my husband the next day, I laughed again, and thought I had split open my incision it hurt so bad. This story has really come in handy in times of someone needing a good laugh.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Top 5 FART Causing Foods
This one is no surprise - everyone should know that beans cause farts.
2) Beer (I guess it's a food)
Beer farts are some of the worst - especially those next day beer farts. You know, those farts that go along with a hangover.
Broccoli smells like a fart when it's cooking - it's no wonder it causes farts.
This is one I was totally unaware of. I wonder if Rabbits that eat cabbage fart too?
This one reminds me of those rotten egg smelling farts. Those are worst farts of all!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Fart & Awe
That night, we were lying in bed cuddling up lovingly together with smiles on our faces and unclothed bodies. Any sort of fart was the furthest thing from my mind. After all, we had only been married three days – dated for less than 6 months and I hadn’t “broken her in” yet.
At that moment it hit me. A blast of silent hot air hit my right thigh like it was shot from a hair dryer. I was in shock – my “proper” wife of three days had let loose the silent fart of all farts into my leg. In fact, it took me a little while to even realize what had happened.
Once I had correctly assessed the situation and understood that my wife had blasted me with a silent fart – I reacted in a rather shocked manner. She had been holding this famous fart in for a long time – as we hadn’t been more than three feet apart all day she never could let loose. She was so very embarrassed that she had blasted my leg – she had no idea my leg was only inches away from the fart zone.
Nevertheless she and I have had a lot of laughs over that famous fart for many years. What’s funny was this fart wasn’t about the smell or the sound. In fact, I don’t even remember if it was stinky. It was one of the famous fart moments that won’t be forgotten in a long time.